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[03 Feb 2004|06:34pm] |
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i did a lot to my new LJ, add it I think I'm going to use it. :) check it out ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) undesolate
yipee!
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[03 Feb 2004|05:00pm] |
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The Formal is now casual, I repeat CASUAL! Buy your ticket and get extra credit points in history (be it William, Vitelli, or Ceasare!! talk to them for specifics) or me :)
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[01 Feb 2004|10:48pm] |
I learned football. :)
I like. I like. yay! You know, I knew the Patriots would win. They were my team. haha. yea.
yea
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[01 Feb 2004|05:17pm] |
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I think I'm dying. I think I'm Zach-less and I'm dying.
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[31 Jan 2004|11:11pm] |
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I honestly don't know if I will be using this LJ or not. If not now I will eventually so, add it if you feel like it.
it's 11:11 again-weird undesolate
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[31 Jan 2004|09:34pm] |
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Zach should call me. because i miss him. and i feel like he's gone. i hurt.
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[31 Jan 2004|09:25pm] |
Robyn and I talked for a while- and we realized a few things. a lot of things. a few I choose to regard.
We talked, about how our issues, our lows will be judged in the future. I choose to say now that the majority of my further entrees will remain inaacesible by comments. I choose to do this in order to prevent any of my friends from feeling like I'm looking for attention, like they should be picking me up. I know that everyone of you out there, you most likely know who you are, you care for me. And I can't thnak you enough for that. However, having you said that once or more already, I don't feel right continueing a link to 'comment'. I feel as though you're being forced to pay me attention, attention I'm not looking for. As for whatever I am talking about in my journal, and the countless who have asked me what's wrong: honestly it's all fuzzy. I can cry everyday and have a hard time remembering why later that night. But, that's not your business. It's not your business to judge if my reason for crying is good enough. So, I ask that people refrain from juding my situation, if you have to ask, obviously, you don't know.
i need to go. last chance to comment for a while. use it if you care.
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[31 Jan 2004|05:25pm] |
can you keep a secret? a real one?
i am gone
from what i was
i've lost every familiar emotion
i'm gone.
don't tell
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[31 Jan 2004|04:35pm] |
what would you say if i asked you not to go
to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
I'm scared you wouldn't. I'm afraid you'd say it wouldn't be okay.
but that's all I've ever wanted.
i'm scared i've been too far distracted from my grades, and my potential is slipping away. i am scared of being kept from freedom another day. not being able to run or go to the beach or sit on the swings and think and write and i need that right now. im scared of what i might do, one i've decided i can't stand to be at rock bottom any longer. i'm scared of hurting people. im afraid of my new ruteen of crying every day, breaking down. im scared that i'm shivering when i cry, when im sweating inside of my hoodie. i'm scared im too selfish, that i don't want you to succeed because if you do, you'll be taken from me. i'm scared you've all ready been taken from me. i'm scared we won't last. and that every day i go without seeing you kills me. im scared that im preventing you from being something you love. and if im not yet, i will. im scared i can't make it through this without you. and im scared that it's getting harder and harder to see you. i'm terrifyed, that so many tears can fall out a girl's eyes. it's not right. no one should suffer this long. and i honestly just don't know. if I'm here much longer. what I'll do.
hold me. but you're not there, not now. it's too hard
i just
can't do this anymore
you can't see
what im going through
i can't do it
i cant do it
i cant do it
but i have no choice
i cant...cant
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[31 Jan 2004|02:35pm] |
i just wish
i didn't have to feel this way
i wish
i weren't alive
it hurts
still
i want zach
wimper
but i dont get him till next weekend now. thats painful.
i want to die
robyn i love you, you too rachel
whether or not you know, you've both done so fucking much for me. thanks. and steve :)i don't think i even have to recognize zach because lord knows without him i would have died by now. maybe then i wouldn't be so scared to hurt myself if zachary weren't there because, i know that if i ever did he would be dissappointed in me. and that's not what he derserves. he shouldn't have to ever be sad or mad or disappointed or anything. ever. so, it won't be because of something stupid i did to myself. no way. i love you.
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[29 Jan 2004|08:28pm] |
im tired of feeling so fucking fake wher ei look in the mirror or i reread something i wrote and i wonder who the hell it is. who's the screw up that wrote that junk. it couldn't possibly be me. im sick on wanting to burn. and im sick of wishing i had the guts to do something. i always think about the relief i'd find in hurting myself but i never have the guts. i could never actually put a razor to my own wrisp. no matter how easy someone else might find it. i dont have that self control. and im tried of being me of being me of being me im tired of being me of being whoever the fuck i've become. im tiredddddd. im at rock bottom im at rock bottom and i've been here too long. i cant do it. and every single fucking time i think about eca and how i fucked up my chances and how everyone else in the fucking world is getting in who though up a talent after hearing about it. who heard ECA, good on a college resimay? oh its a good thing? maybe ill feel better about myself gee what can i do there? oh theatre? art? what? oh ok yea maybe ill try that what have i got to loose. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOOSE. SORRY IM A SELFFISH BITCH. I can't stand sitting knwoing my chance is so slim, and im fuckig up again and then watch as all these other people glide like nothing into my place, tkaing my seat on the bus. And I hate how people tell me writing is the 'east fun part there' I'm not going there for fun. It's not an after school club. It's not a nursery rythme. god dammit..
it's just. its just the part of me i think thats been missing. i think it might honestly be..that talent to fill that empty space i told you all i've felt. i just don't think all these other people can say that. i want it. no, i need it. and im going to loose it. im loosing it now. i cant afford to fuck up again. not again. i've done it one too many times.
im so numb. no matter how badly i want summer so i can run away. its not coming. no matter how badly i want something to be good at for once its not coming either. im tired of waiting. too. im finished. i want to die. die die die die die die die. i hate school. im slacking in every class. in everything i do. im slacking. im fucking up royaly. i want zach. and i always say that but that never does anything either. because im going to sit and quit life. quit everything and watch dirty dancing or youve got mail or some chick flick and im not going to call him. and ill fuck up again. oh well. Hi, I'm Amy. I'm a fuck up! Who are you? Nice to meet you.
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[29 Jan 2004|08:17pm] |
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GET YOUR TICKETS TO THE FEBRUARY FORMAL, NOW! ON SALE! AT LUNCH!
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[29 Jan 2004|07:24pm] |
I can't think
I can't breathe
I can't...live
I'm way over my head
and the one thing I right now
is to call Zach
but I won't allow myself the time
or the distraction
I'm pissed off
it's mine
you're all stealing my thing
it doesn't feel special anymore
it just feels like a competition
and I suck at competing, sports aren't my thing
I sat in the bathroom for a while before I took my shower. Well, first I stood with my back against the door, and pressed against it with all my might. every wraery muscle in my body sought strength to keep the door shut. To keep everything out. To isolate me. I slid down it's dusty wood, choosing to ignore it's tough scraping against my shoulders, sliding my feet across the floor like a rag doll until my rump :) hit the floor and the shoke of attraction finished its course throughout my body. My head was spinning, and I reached for a place where I could be without any burden, memo, agenda. Anything or anyone to tell me what to do, including myself. I felt like bawling, right there but I guess my tears weren't in the mood for a ride. None fell. I just sort of wimpered, helplessly, falling at the grace of anyone that could save me from myself. And I thought about how my dad would walk by the bathroom them on the way back from his room. And he'd see the same dusty wooden door that held me up. But, he'd would never knew I lay on the other side, ready to give up. everything. He would never know. Since the door would hide me. Whether this scared me or was left as assurance I began to stir and continue with whatever it is you do before bathing. But then, later I think back and realize just how strange to think, my father standing beside me, unknowing of any emotion, no my position. Unaware of me, completely.
and I'm fine. until i think about what im about to loose. i guess my tears put on their seat belts. they're rearin' ta go.
i want zach
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[27 Jan 2004|10:59pm] |
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trust is the base. it's, everything. right? yea, it is.
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[26 Jan 2004|10:11pm] |
i feel as though i'm not in body
like i'm watching myself
and like i watch me, and i cry
just a short single tear
that's what im feeling
i couldn't quite explain it before but now i know
its like i know something that i don't know
that, i'm holding back
and i cry for me
because everything i worked for
i just have to realize
its not important
emotions are what holds me together
i feel sort of like I'm floating
and like i'm being held together barely
and that unless i catch myself soon
i'll be gone
and no one can catch me but me
im sorry if i let me down
i didn't mean to
i wish i could know whats being held back
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[26 Jan 2004|08:23pm] |
everybody's tried of this cold bullshit. bring summer on. i want it now. i want no limits. and i want warmth and walking and falling in the sand. Not last summer, a new summer. I want something to catch my breath on the beach. That feeling of bliss that catches in your chest, reassures any doubt you ever had that you were all wrong. I want my breath to be taken from within me again. I want to love summer. I want to have less expectations for me. I want to be stripped of deadlines and burdens until all that's left is me, and the virtues I still posess. A confidence. I miss it. everybody's tired of being cooped up in there house like this. of relying on parents for everything. I want to get out and go for a walk but i cant. i want to be free again. i want a new summer. with whatever that might entail.
Happy Seven Month :) yay
i just want summer again. really. really really.
((Because the world owes me nothing
We owe each other the world))
these few weeks have been tough shit. im getting through. but i don't want to 'get through' I want to slide through, I want to .... fly. this isn't how I want it to be anymore. I'm tired of me. I want to feel something about myself. I want to be all I wish I want to be pretty :) in every possible way. yea. summer gave me that feeling because everything i had, every relationship was my own, i made, i found by myself. and it was something to be proud of. I want to find myself again. I want a breeze to stop sending chills down my back. I want a lot. but it's not here. it's not for four months. four months is a long time.
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| Aw. :) pretty <3 |
[26 Jan 2004|06:30pm] |
You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
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[25 Jan 2004|03:42pm] |
this past few days have been too rough, it's suppose to be easy going after mid-terms.
it's been way too hard, way too many nights with my blanket over my head wondering how i went wrong, why i deserve this. everybody has those days. but why so many, and now? I don't have the strength. there's nothing left to give. just me. i've been stripped of everything worthwhile. and i just lay here, scared and naked, praying things can only get better. it's a little scary how that metaphor is able to send chills down my spine. maybe thats cause i know, thats exactly what i am.
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[25 Jan 2004|03:35pm] |
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people should comment if they plan on adding me to their friends page because, I don't know who they are! irrk! amen.
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